In the name of the holiday spirit
—————————————————-

Dear Santa:
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year! 

Love, Kenny

—-

Dear Kenny,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fucking fire trucks than you know what to do with.

Santa

**********************************************************************

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

————————

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Lego instead. 

Santa

**********************************************************************

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

—-

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and a nice Cuban cigar. 

Santa

**********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please.
PLEASE, Jimmy

-----

Jimmy,

That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting another sweater.
Santa

**********************************************************************

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

-----

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitress' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! 

Santa
**********************************************************************

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

----- 

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.  How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! 

Santa

*********************************************************************

Dear Santa, 

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the
world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

---

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

*********************************************************************

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokémon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

-----

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something you need more, like "Chutes and Ladders." 

Santa

********************************************************************

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony
and a tuba.
Love, Francis

------

Dear Francis,

Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa

*********************************************************************

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in
the song?
Love, Jessica

—–

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house.
Santa

*********************************************************************

Dear Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

—-

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. 

Sweet Dreams! Santa

wishes02

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