Posts tagged ‘Doctors’

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Plastic Surgery

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Sponge Bob

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Bonus for Veterans…

The US army have too many soldiers, and so the army offers some of the veterans a special bonus to retire.

They are war heroes so they are being asked to pick any two points on their body to be measured in a straight line and they will be paid 200 $/1 cm…

The first soldier asks to be measured from the top of his head to his toes : 1.80m, he gets 36 000$!!

The second one raises his arms and asks to be measured from his fingers to his toes : 46 000$.

The third soldier, an old vet says he wants to be measured from his penis to his testicles …
The guys around him all say : come on!! Think twice, you can get better measurements and better money!!  “No”, he says, “I want to get measured by a military doctor”..

The veteran meets with the Doctor privately. The veteran pull his pants down and the doctor starts to measure his penis and suddenly stops! -“But where are your Testicles??”

And the veteran replies : “In Vietnam”….

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Kermit the Frog

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A miracle

A woman takes her 17-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor asks, “Okay, Mrs. Smith, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Lynda.
She keeps getting these … cravings,
she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination,
then turns to the mother
and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you
this, but your Lynda is pregnant –
about 4 months, would be myguess.”

The mother, shocked, says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be,
she has never ever beenleft alone with a man!
Have you, Lynda?”
Lynda says, “No mother!
I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just
that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared
in the east and three
wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if
I’m going to miss it this time!”

You know you are having a bad day when…

– The bird singing outside of your window is a Vulture.
– You have a mini-heart attack when your alarm goes off in the morning.
– Your Twin Brother forgets your birthday.
– Your doctor says: I have one bad news for you, and one that is really bad.
– The emergency hot line puts you on hold.
– You are the main news, but you are only mentioned as “The Suspect”.
– You wake up involuntarily in a different state.
– The doctor tells you that you are allergic towards food.
– You have to ask for a loan to pay off debts.
– The Psychic offers to give you your money back after having looked into your future.
– A TV-team fra “Fox Crime” waits for you in the office when you arrive work.
– The first page in the newspapers say: EVACUATE NOW!
– Just when you walk under a ladder, you trip over a black cat just to break a mirror.
– Your hairdresser says:  “Ooops! You did have two ears when you came, right?”

Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies

1.    I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Susan’ instead of Steve

Disclaimer: It might not actually be smart to use these in a real job though :)