Posts tagged ‘Sex’

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Safe Sex

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Things you shouldn’t say in bed

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. Try breathing through your nose.

6.  Is that a  Medic-Alert Pendant?

7. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

8. But whipped cream makes me break out.

9.  Person 1: This is your  first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today

10. (in the Hotel/ Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

11. Can  you please pass me the remote control?

12. Do you accept Visa?

13. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

14. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.

15. And to think- I  was really trying to pick up your friend!

16. So much for  mouth-to-mouth.

17. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m  sober…

18. Do you get any premium movie channels?

19. But I  just brushed my teeth…

20. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

21.  I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

22. I want a baby!

23. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

24. I think you  have it on backwards.

25. When is this supposed to feel good?

26. Did you remember to take the pill?

27. Are you sure I don’t know you  from somewhere?

28. I wish we got the Playboy channel…

29. That leak better be from the  waterbed!

30. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!

31. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

32. No,  really… I do this part better myself!

33. It’s nice being in bed with  a woman I don’t have to inflate!

34. This would be more fun with a few  more people.

35. You’re almost as good as my ex!

36. Is that you  I smell or is your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

37. You look  younger than you feel.

38. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.

39. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

40. They’re not cracker  crumbs, it’s just a rash.

41. Now I know why he dumped you…

42. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

43. You give me reason to  conclude that foreplay is overrated.

44. What tampon?

45. Have  you ever considered liposuction?

46. And to think, I didn’t even have to  buy you dinner!

47. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

48. I have a confession…

49. Are those real or am I just behind the  times?

50. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

51.  You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?

52. Did I mention my transsexual  operation?

53. I really hate women who actually think sex means  something!

54. Did you come yet, dear?

55. I’ll tell you who I’m  fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…

56. A  good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

57. Does this  count as a date?

58. Oprah Winfrey had a show about women like  you!

59. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

60. When  would you like to meet my parents?

61. Man: Maybe it would help if I  thought about someone I really like… Woman: Yourself?

62. (in a phone  booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

63. Sorry but I don’t  do toes!

64. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!

65.  Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

66. Keep it down, my  mother is a light sleeper…

67. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for  “The Enquirer”.

68. So that’s why they call you Ms. Flash!

69.  Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?

70. Please understand  that I’m only doing this for a raise…

71. How long do you plan to be  “almost there”?

72. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

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Guess who just got laid …

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Happy Valentines Day !!!

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Politics

A young boy says to his father:

– “Daddy, I am writing a paper for school. Can I ask you about something?”

– “Sure kid, give it a go!”

– “What is politics, dad?”

– “Well… Within politics there are 5 aspects: 1) The population, 2) The Government, 3) The Economical Power, 4) The working class and 5) The future of the Country.”

– “I don’t get that, dad. Can you explain that to me?”

– “Sure, I will use our home as an example. I earn the money to the common household; hence I am the Economical power. Your mother administrates and uses that money; Hence she is the government. We take care of your needs; You are The population. Your little brother is the future of the country, and his nanny is the working class.
Do you understand it now?”

– “More or less”

During that night the boy woke up by his little brothers cries. The boy got up to see what was wrong to discover his little brother in need of a diaper change. He entered his parents bedroom, where his mom was in deep sleep.

Then he went to the nanny’s room. Peeking through the keyhole he saw that his father lay atop the nanny. As they didn’t react when he knocked on the door, he went back to his room and back to bed to continue his sleep.

The next morning the boy said to his father:

– “Now I think I understand what politics is all about”.

– “Awesome my boy! Now try to explain to me in your own words”

– “I think it is more or less like this: While the Economical power fucks the working class, the Government sleeps through it. The populations is ignored completely and the future of the country is standing with shit up to his ears.”

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Top 10 WTF? US Sex Laws

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