Posts tagged ‘Tampons’

Things you shouldn’t say in bed

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. Try breathing through your nose.

6.  Is that a  Medic-Alert Pendant?

7. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

8. But whipped cream makes me break out.

9.  Person 1: This is your  first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today

10. (in the Hotel/ Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

11. Can  you please pass me the remote control?

12. Do you accept Visa?

13. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

14. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.

15. And to think- I  was really trying to pick up your friend!

16. So much for  mouth-to-mouth.

17. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m  sober…

18. Do you get any premium movie channels?

19. But I  just brushed my teeth…

20. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

21.  I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

22. I want a baby!

23. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

24. I think you  have it on backwards.

25. When is this supposed to feel good?

26. Did you remember to take the pill?

27. Are you sure I don’t know you  from somewhere?

28. I wish we got the Playboy channel…

29. That leak better be from the  waterbed!

30. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!

31. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

32. No,  really… I do this part better myself!

33. It’s nice being in bed with  a woman I don’t have to inflate!

34. This would be more fun with a few  more people.

35. You’re almost as good as my ex!

36. Is that you  I smell or is your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

37. You look  younger than you feel.

38. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.

39. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

40. They’re not cracker  crumbs, it’s just a rash.

41. Now I know why he dumped you…

42. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

43. You give me reason to  conclude that foreplay is overrated.

44. What tampon?

45. Have  you ever considered liposuction?

46. And to think, I didn’t even have to  buy you dinner!

47. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

48. I have a confession…

49. Are those real or am I just behind the  times?

50. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

51.  You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?

52. Did I mention my transsexual  operation?

53. I really hate women who actually think sex means  something!

54. Did you come yet, dear?

55. I’ll tell you who I’m  fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…

56. A  good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

57. Does this  count as a date?

58. Oprah Winfrey had a show about women like  you!

59. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

60. When  would you like to meet my parents?

61. Man: Maybe it would help if I  thought about someone I really like… Woman: Yourself?

62. (in a phone  booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

63. Sorry but I don’t  do toes!

64. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!

65.  Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

66. Keep it down, my  mother is a light sleeper…

67. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for  “The Enquirer”.

68. So that’s why they call you Ms. Flash!

69.  Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?

70. Please understand  that I’m only doing this for a raise…

71. How long do you plan to be  “almost there”?

72. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

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Twilight Jokes

In danger of offending LOTS of Twihards – I must add that I, myself, am a twihard. However, no matter much of a fan I am – I also find a some of the jokes going around quite funny…

Edward Cullen.
He doesn’t bite people, he looks like he resides in the woods, and he sparkles. Face it, he’s not a real vampire. He’s a fairy.

Twilight’s like football. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don’t understand.

Twilight’s tagline: ‘When you can live forever what do you live for?’
Teenage girls, apparently.

I dont understand why women are obsessed with Twilight. Im ghostly pale and havnt had sex in 100 years, but women dont seem to find me attractive.

Twilight re-write #4668:
“I know what you are, you’re pale white and ice cold”
“Say it.”
“Michael Jackson?”

Love how in twilight Edward says’ I need you to see me in the the light for who I really am’
Bella shits herself thinking he is going to turn wild.. and guess what ‘He sparkles’

Let’s be real, Twilight fans only want to move to Forks because they never got their letter from Hogwarts…

One Saturday matine ticket for Twilight – £6.75
One industrial chain and padlock – £32.99
One big bottle of chloroform – £199
The realization that vampires and werewolves isn’t the only monster
in the room- priceless

– How do you stop Jacob Black from attacking you?
You pick up a stick, throw it and yell ‘fetch’!

Edward: Bella…
Bella: Yes?
Edward: I just want you to know how much you mean to me.
Bella: Aawww…
Edward: You know, what with me being and ancient virgin vampire and everything…
Bella: Yeah ?
Edward: Well, people were starting to think.. You know…
Bella: Gay?
Edward: ….
Edward: Old  fashioned..
Bella: …
Bella: Oh.

Edward. Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe its Maybelline.

-How many Twilighters does it take to screw on a light bulb?
I don’t know, they’re all too busy fighting over who gets to be Mrs Cullen.

-How do you irritate Edward Cullen?
Buy him a dog and call it Jacob!

“Hey, do you know what you call a blonde with a brain? – a golden retriever.”

“S’not so hard to erase a blonde’s memory – Just blow in her ear.”

and then I ran out of jokes to have between the pics…