Posts tagged ‘Tea’

Twilight Jokes

In danger of offending LOTS of Twihards – I must add that I, myself, am a twihard. However, no matter much of a fan I am – I also find a some of the jokes going around quite funny…

Edward Cullen.
He doesn’t bite people, he looks like he resides in the woods, and he sparkles. Face it, he’s not a real vampire. He’s a fairy.

Twilight’s like football. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don’t understand.

Twilight’s tagline: ‘When you can live forever what do you live for?’
Teenage girls, apparently.

I dont understand why women are obsessed with Twilight. Im ghostly pale and havnt had sex in 100 years, but women dont seem to find me attractive.

Twilight re-write #4668:
“I know what you are, you’re pale white and ice cold”
“Say it.”
“Michael Jackson?”

Love how in twilight Edward says’ I need you to see me in the the light for who I really am’
Bella shits herself thinking he is going to turn wild.. and guess what ‘He sparkles’

Let’s be real, Twilight fans only want to move to Forks because they never got their letter from Hogwarts…

One Saturday matine ticket for Twilight – £6.75
One industrial chain and padlock – £32.99
One big bottle of chloroform – £199
The realization that vampires and werewolves isn’t the only monster
in the room- priceless

– How do you stop Jacob Black from attacking you?
You pick up a stick, throw it and yell ‘fetch’!

Edward: Bella…
Bella: Yes?
Edward: I just want you to know how much you mean to me.
Bella: Aawww…
Edward: You know, what with me being and ancient virgin vampire and everything…
Bella: Yeah ?
Edward: Well, people were starting to think.. You know…
Bella: Gay?
Edward: ….
Edward: Old  fashioned..
Bella: …
Bella: Oh.

Edward. Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe its Maybelline.

-How many Twilighters does it take to screw on a light bulb?
I don’t know, they’re all too busy fighting over who gets to be Mrs Cullen.

-How do you irritate Edward Cullen?
Buy him a dog and call it Jacob!

“Hey, do you know what you call a blonde with a brain? – a golden retriever.”

“S’not so hard to erase a blonde’s memory – Just blow in her ear.”

and then I ran out of jokes to have between the pics…

Some cute Vampire Jokes

Whats the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks the blood out of people at night.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.
“Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!!!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t.”

A vampire walks into a bar, “Pint of blood, landlord.” he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, “Pint of your finest blood, please.” he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says, “A mug of hot water, barman.”
The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks, “Why would you want that? We serve the finest blood in all town!”
The vampire then held up a used tampon and answered, “I’m making tea.”