Jacob just glared at the kids dressed as vampires, he knew it was wrong but he still lied and said there was no candy left!
One of the few thing Alice can’t see is Chuck Norris about to roundhouse kick her.
The Volturi went into hiding when they heard Chuck Norris DOES exist.
Today i made Carlisle feel like he was in love with Edward… AGAIN!!
How many Twilighters does it take to screw on a light bulb?
I don’t know, they’re all too busy fighting over who gets to be Mrs Cullen
Jacob got ran over by a reindeer walking home from Bella’s on Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa, but Edward and me belive.
Bella raped me today on esme isle. im scared!
Whats the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks the blood out of people at night.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.
“Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!!!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t.”
A vampire walks into a bar, “Pint of blood, landlord.” he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, “Pint of your finest blood, please.” he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says, “A mug of hot water, barman.”
The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks, “Why would you want that? We serve the finest blood in all town!”
The vampire then held up a used tampon and answered, “I’m making tea.”